Whirlwind

Wow. The only word that is coming to mind right now is exhaustion...physical, mental, and spiritual.

We have spent the last several days celebrating my stepfather's life. Visitation, funeral, interment, and multiple meals. And if I am tired, I can't imagine how my mom and his children are feeling.

Everything was very well attended. His life was definitely honored and remembered well.

It was only the fourth funeral I've ever attended. And the first time I've ever stepped foot in a funeral home or been a part of a funeral procession or graveside service.

As expected as his death was, all of these events and the planning of them was still very difficult. I could not stop thinking about how those who suffer a tragic or sudden loss even begin to get through the preparations much less the actual events themselves.

Only by the grace of God I imagine.

Anyway, I'll quit my rambling and leave you with the poem printed in Charlie's visitation program.

I'M FREE

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God has chosen for me.
I took His hand when I heard him call;
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I've now found peace at the end of day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joys.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;
Oh yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
Look for the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I've savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seems all to brief;
Don't lengthen your pain with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now-He set me free
Author: Shannon Lee Moseley.

Rest in peace, Charlie. You will be missed.

Charlie went home.

Just a little over a year ago, my step-dad suffered a major stroke.

I contemplated his frustrating loss of speech in this post. It has been a difficult year of seeing him slowly decline and watching my mother care for him in a tireless and selfless manner.

Over the past week it became apparent that his time with us was drawing to a close. Charlie passed away around 5:30 this morning. While we were very sad to let him go, it is a true joy to know that he is no longer suffering. I can once again hear his voice in my head as I imagine him walking the streets of heaven and chatting with everyone in his path. Walking and talking...two things he hasn't been able to do in so long.

I covet your prayers as we walk along side my mom during the funeral planning, visitation, lunch, internment, etc. I don't do any of those things well. Does anyone? Thankfully I don't have much practice under my belt in this area. I just want to be supportive and encouraging to her during this difficult time...trusting that the Lord will show me the best way to do just that.

This one is for you, MOM.

Happy birthday to my mother dear.

Kelly and I enjoyed celebrating a day early with my mom. Yesterday we headed out to lunch with her closer to her stomping grounds in Historic Waxahachie. And there wasn't a sippy cup, diaper bag or kid's menu anywhere in sight.

Although I know my mom would have loved to see the grandgirls, the place where we were dining doesn't exactly encourage the presence of children. How do they do that, you ask? Well, for starters, they do not have high chairs. Not even one in the entire joint. I found that out the fun way a few years back when my buddy Rachelle and I made the trek there with Lily in tow. Only to discover that I would have to go back to the car and haul in her stroller that had a tray where she could eat from. I made sure she only threw a few food items on the floor and kept her screams to a low roar, because I am dignified like that. Melissa---I've run into you there before (w/kids, I think), did you have a different experience?

Lunching sans children also meant there was plenty of time for conversation. Uninterrupted conversation. Which apparently didn't matter because we barely breathed as we consumed our identical lunches and sipped away at our Orange Spice Iced Teas. What menu item would be so good that all three of us would order it? The apricot chicken salad of course. It is what made The Dove's Nest famous. Famous to us at least. Did I mention the apricots are sherried? Delish. We made sure to leave room for the blackberry bread pudding too. I guess you could say there were a few hiccups in the daily diet.

If you are ever near Waxahachie, or even within 200 miles of it...you'd be silly not to visit The Dove's Nest, it is just that good. Be prepared to wait though. We got there at 10:50 and weren't the first in line. That is no problem though because you can roam their huge antique shop while you wait. Another place you'll be waiting there is for the ladies room. So, when the Orange Spice Iced Tea begins to hit, make your way to the restroom right away. There is only one potty and with a bunch of tea drinkin' women around...that is a problem. You could always slide into the men's room...not that I have ever done that. Nope, remember...I'm dignified. It's the first door on the left. Shh...

So, before this appears to be a review for The Dove's Nest or I need to rename this post, let's get back to my mom.

You know what meant more to her than the fine meal, gifts and perusing of antiques?

The fact that we went to the nursing home and visited with my stepdad.
I'm pretty sure that if you had asked my mom what this past year would have held for her, she wouldn't have imagined Charlie's stroke and the condition it has left him in. It was sobering just being there with him in the nursing home setting for that short half hour. What is so deceiving is that he looks really good. Though very emotional, he definitely recognized us and was eager to "chat". Within minutes we realized that he utters a few sounds, the same sounds, over and over and over again. You can sense his frustration because it is obvious that he is trying to tell you something, but he can't get his point across with his very limited speech. It is painful to watch. Writing really isn't an option at this point, but maybe in the future.

Previous posts regarding my stepdad's recent stroke situation:
Speechless
The Tongue
Update...

Back to my mom.

MOM!

I'm not going to focus on you being a year older, as I'm sure you feel like you've aged 10 just in the past few months.

Just know that we love you so much and pray for you daily as you bear this load, many unknowns, and decisions regarding the future.

I tell you often that I love you, but don't often mention some of the specific things about you that make me a better woman by being around you. Here goes the short list:

You are brilliant. Even dad would agree...any smarts we got...we got from you.

You are beautiful. How many times a day do you moisturize? I'm doing good to get some lotion on my face once a week.

You are not scared of hard work. You tend to run circles around me in any situation.

You are a great cook. Especially of the comfort food variety...and your homemade Old Fashioned Donuts.

You are good at biting your tongue. Can I just absorb that quality from you? Please? And fast?

You are a green thumb. Whether its veggies, flowers, shrubs, trees or grass...whatever question I have...you have the answer.

You are the best nurse on call. Ever. Bet you wish I didn't have your cell phone number.

You are a handy woman. There isn't a home project...big or small...that you don't have some idea about and better yet, won't jump in and help with.

You are talented and crafty...and you love spoiling your grandkids with your handiwork.

You are musical. I could sit and listen to you play piano and sing for hours on end. You don't even know how many memories still dance in my head of me sitting next to you on that wooden bench while you played.

You are forgiving. Ahem...I need that forgiveness for each time I moved the kitchen timer ahead to end my piano practice a little sooner.

You are a walking encyclopedia. You never cease to amaze me at the topics you know and things that you remember. Sometimes even in German or Spanish.

You are proper. Our family's Emily Post for sure.

You are a woman of prayer. And God honors your prayers. I've always known, even as a little girl, that you prayed...fervently...for me.

You are a disciple. A disciple of the One True God.

That One True God has, is, and will continue to carry you through this difficult time.

Here is a little song for you on a birthday that might not have felt very happy.

"Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me---Lyrics follow the video.


I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of
the clouds that may loom above
because you are much greater than my pain
you who made a way for me
suffering your destiny
so tell me whats a little rain

We love you, Mom. Hang in there, we're here for you every step of the way...in every decision the Lord leads you to.

And for anyone else who stayed with me until the end of this post...thanks for letting me pour out to my mom for a bit.

Update...

I've gotten several e-mails asking for an update on my step-dad Charlie. So I think I'll give a quick update here.

It has been 3 weeks since his stroke. He is still in a nursing home setting receiving rehabilitation. They are doing only as much therapy as he can handle and not pushing him too hard. The therapists have had to ease up because over the past two weeks he has ended up in the ER twice with cerebral bleeds...I am not a medical person, but I think this means his brain is bleeding where the stroke was, which causes him to pass out. There really isn't much they can do about these bleeds.

Charlie can say things like Hi, Bye, Yes, No and count to 3. The doctors tell us over and over again what a massive stroke it was. Yet he is strong and has some really good days in between the bad ones, so sometimes what they are saying and what we are seeing don't mesh.

It is just really sad. Today must have been a sobering Father's day for his children. I think it has taken a heavy toll on my mom as she realizes the long and painful journey ahead of them. I visited with her at length in person today and she seems more emotionally and physically worn out than ever before. Yet she sees God's hand in all things and cited many accounts of prayers that had been answered. Most tangibly a crew of workers from their church came yesterday and began finishing parts of their house that hadn't been completed yet. That was a huge blessing to her.

We appreciate your continued prayers for Charlie's recovery and my mom's stamina as she endures through this situation.

The Tongue

Late this afternoon we gathered up the kiddos to go visit my step-dad. It was the first time we'd been able to see Charlie since his massive left brain stroke. He was discharged from the hospital and admitted to the rehab wing of a nursing home. Monday he starts a 3 week course of rehabilitation and after that my mom will know a lot more about what course of action to take.

It was so good to see him. He definitely recognized us and the girls who greeted him loudly. He was sitting up and able to feed himself various pureed foods fairly well. But after his meal he was ready to lay back down immediately and from then on we didn't see much response from him.

Charlie is very strong and we are thankful for that. We are anxious to see how far rehabilitation will take him in the days and weeks ahead. As the swelling on the brain decreases hopefully his recovery will quicken. He is definitely paralyzed on the right side. Although he has uttered a few words over the past couple of days, we did not hear him speak during our visit.

I think that the loss of speech must be so frustrating to him. Even more so than the loss of use of one half of his body. It has really made me think about my use of words. I've been pondering what it would be like to suddenly and unexpectedly lose my ability to talk. Unfortunately, I'm afraid I might be in regret of words that recently flowed from my mouth. Were they spoken in love? Were they critical or judgemental in nature? In what tone were they spoken? Should they have even been spoken at all?

I can't help but to wonder if I'd be proud of them being the final words that my husband or children heard from me. I wonder if Charlie has any regrets of things spoken just before he collapsed that afternoon.

Control of the tongue. It must be tamed according to the first 12 verses of James Chapter 3.

These verses from Proverbs are definitely hitting me hard too:

Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Proverbs 11:12 A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.

Proverbs 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.

This final one from my favorite chapter in Proverbs really knocks me to my knees:

Proverbs 31:26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

I am convicted so much for letting the same tongue that teaches my girls about God's love also be the tongue that is snippy, hurried, or impatient with them. Lots for me to ponder.

We are hopeful for Charlie to get back to being himself as much as possible...as soon as possible.

If you have found this blog by way of an email I sent regarding Charlie, please enter your e-mail address at the left so updates can come to your inbox. I plan on posting updates here periodically as a faster and easier way to keep family and friends aware of his progress.

Thank you so much for your prayers, kind emails, and comments.